Red Shield Appalling
This weekend the Salvation Army (The Salvos) have their Red Shield Appeal, where they go around knocking on doors, asking for donations. You also see them at the footy, shaking their tins, hoping the fans drop a few cents their way. This is all to continue the good work they do helping people in need.
But I wont be donating, and I haven’t given the footy tin rattlers anything for a while either, and here’s why.
I wont say the Salvos don’t do some good work within the community, and those involved with them certainly are dedicated to their job. But I can’t support an organisation that actively promotes hatred towards people who identify as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Intersexed or Queer.
Now this has nothing to do with me being in a same sex relationship, it has to do with my conscience. A few years back I realised working against these kind of hate groups wasn’t doing me any good. It was a waste of time and effort, because they don’t see a need to change. I questioned why they don’t see the need to change, and it came down to one thing, money. That’s right, as long as organisations still have the money rolling in, they don’t see a need to change. After all, if the community didn’t appreciate what they were doing, they wouldn’t give money would they? So I stopped giving money.
These days, when I go to the footy, and the Salvo shakes their tin in my direction, with a well worn smile on their face, I simply say to them “Unfortunately your organisation actively promotes hatred towards some of the most marginalised people in our community. Therefore I cam not support your cause.”
Now I’m not having a go at the person directly, and I feel no need to do that at all, after all, they are volunteering for what they think is a good cause. Many of them that I say this to just look perplexed. A few have asked what I mean, and so I go in to more detail. Most of them are shocked (for want of a better word), because they hadn’t thought about it, or didn’t know it was the policy. Only one time have I had a tin shaker turn on me and start howling at me for how wrong I am, and that some fictional imaginary friend of his is going to strike me down.
So this weekend, I ask you not to flat out deny these people your money. All I ask is you think about what your own views of society are, and if you feel comfortable giving money to the Salvos, or any other organisation that asks for your money.
Gone are the days when we just hand over money because it’s expected, and it’s the right thing to do. It’s time to think about how that money affects you, your views, your community, and the people in that community. As long as the Salvation Army have a policy based on hatred towards members of the GLBTIQ community, I can not support their work in any way.
I like to so.
So there’s this thing I’m finding so annoying right now, and it’s so been bugging me for a while, but I can’t find a solution to the problem. So instead I’m going to so rant right now, that it’s going to be like so off the scale.
Oh and this blog post is so directed at Apple so much, so there.
So if you have an Apple product with that so called “autocorrect” or as it is so called by so many people, “fuck you with monkey balls you dipshitted croissant”, then you will know how much it enjoys screwing up perfectly good sentences, to so say the wrong thing. Heck there are even websites that have claimed many a working hour, while you read about how someone wants to go down on their grandmother’s goat, when what they actually typed was “Got milk?”
But there is one thing that really pisses me off, and it’s the autocorrecting of perfectly good and acceptable words, to different words, which puts a whole new meaning on what’s being said, or just makes you look like a window licker who has no comprehension of English.
So Apple, I ask you this. Why the fucking flying fuck do you see the need to change the word “so” to “do” every single fucking time I type it?
Do you know how annoying it has been to type this blog post out on one of your products? I’ve worn out the backspace key, which is pretty fucking amazing, given this device has no physical keyboard.
Ok, so I get it, you want to make the world a better place, by stopping underpant exposing, crooked hat wearing, asymmetrical haircut devotees, from writing crap like “Sup watz yo fkn djhdcjnon” but for the love of microchips, so stop correcting my use of the word so, or I will do do you.
Behind the scenes
As many of you will know, I was involved with the Adam Hills In Gordon Street Tonight show, on ABC television earlier this year. It was a wonderful time, and what you saw go to screen was genuine, but there was a lot that didn’t make it to the big screen.
First of all there was the people directly and indirectly involved with the show. I’m talking about the crew from the show, and the general staff of the ABC.
The general staff didn’t have to be friendly towards us, but they certainly were. You could tell these people were hard working, and dedicated to their job, because they loved working where they worked. It didn’t matter if they were front desk staff, or people involved with other shows, they were all great people.
For those directly associated with the show, I have nothing but praise. Someone who has worked in the media myself, I know how the politics and bullshit often gets in the way of the final product. That was never the case with these people. Any time there was anything that may be a concern, they talked to us about it gave us full details, and together we made a decision. We were never told “This is what we are doing and you have to do it, because it is all about the rating.” Instead they wanted to make good quality television that could be enjoyed by a wide variety of people.
Something we often heard from Adam was “I’m so glad I’m at the ABC, because three is no way we could ever do this on commercial television. It shows just how dedicated he is to making quality, because he has had many offered to be on commercial television, but has decided to stay with the ABC. If you want proof, just look at the kind of guests that have appeared on the show. It wasn’t only people who have a book to flog, or an album that’s been released, but people with an interest, a passion, a story, that should be shared by everyone.
I have to say I am proud of what the show achieved this year, and I’m sad the ABC hasn’t renewed the show yet. I believe the ABC is very much needed in the media mix we have in Australia. It has a role to provide shows that not only rate (and AHIGST did Rae very well), but also give the wider Australian community a voice. Come on Aunty, do us all a favour and renew the show.
Finally, I’d like to thank the love of my life for all the hard work she put in too. There was a lot of burning the candle at both ends to put together the mass wedding. It was a trying, but together we got through it, as we plan to do for a very long time to come.
Lest We Forget
April 25 is the day we remember all those who have fallen in times of conflict. For me, it always brings up a memory from years gone by.
One of my great uncles, whom I may have met at some point in my youth, but who’s name is long forgotten, fought in the second world war. Many years after the war, he took a trip to Brisbane, and while there caught a tram. Yes Brisbanians, Brisbanites, Brisbanorians, Banana Benders, you use to have trams, and a bloody good system too. But I digress.
He boarded the tram, presented his pensioner card to the conductor and asked for a concession fare. The conductor said to him “Nah mate, full fare for you.”
Understandably, my great uncle was a bit perplexed by this, showed his pension card again and asked for a concession fare.
The conductor explained further, “Mate, that’s a Victorian concession card, not a Queensland one. You have to pay full fare.”
Obviously my great uncle was a bit taken back by this, and made his voice heard.
“I fought for this country in the trenches against the Germans and the Japanese. I did my bit for the country, and it entitled me to a concession fare. So one concession please.”
The conductor by now getting annoyed at being delayed in collecting fares replied “Still doesn’t matter, you’re a Victorian, so full fare.”
“Well,” said my great uncle, “if I had known that during the war, I would have shot at the bloody Queenslanders as well!”
He got a concession fare.
An Unexpected Review
I’m sorry to Jenny for not writing this review sooner, after I saw her show on Wednesday night. You see the reason for the delay was the fake nails I was wearing. Those damn things made it impossible to type, so today I endured the pain of removing them. But this isn’t about me, it’s about Jenny Wynter and her wonderful show currently playing at the Butterfly Club as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
For those who are regular readers of my blog, you will know this is a show I have already reviewed twice, but those times were as part of the Melbourne Fringe Festival, and this one is part of the Comedy Festival. But that’s not the only difference.
The show now comes repackaged with a bonus piano player, freeing up Jenny to perform more in the show, with out worrying so much about the technical side. There were more jokes, more off the cuff laughs, more freedom within the performance. If you were someone watching the show for the first time, as most of her sell out audiences have been doing so far in the festival, you will love this as a comedy piece with music. I had the feeling the Fringe festival show audience were more looking for a musical show with comedy, and thankfully Jenny is such a professional, she can engage both kinds of audience with her talents.
An Unexpected Variety Show is a very personal journey for Jenny, but it’s not an attempt to make an audience pay for her to get group therapy. Instead the show engages the audience to think about their own lives, and to realise they can achieve anything, even if they don’t have a desire to move to Canada, like Jenny.
This really is a great show to see. It’s a fun night of entertainment, that gives you all the emotional input you need to have a joyous night out. I don’t want to type any more, because I don’t want to spoil the show for you. Instead you should just click on this link to get your tickets. I give the show 4 and a half stars, which is pretty good given my scoring system only goes up to three stars.
Yes I Like It, Yes I Am Putting A Ring On It
So it’s not to long until the big massive huge wedding is happening on Adam Hills In Gordon Street Tonight, and a lot of people have been asking questions about it. So with out further ado, here is the Frequently Asked Questions, now with bonus answers, and 10% more fibre.
How did you get involved in all of this?
Before getting tickets to the show, there is a questionnaire to fill out. When asked what she would do if prime minister for a day Elyse said she would legalise same sex marriage.
A couple of days before the episode was filmed, Adam Hills gave me a call and asked if I would propose, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Is the show live?
In short no. In long, the show is semi-live to tape. With the format of the show, they would need hundreds more cameras to catch everything, and even if you included the Hubble telescope, there wouldn’t be enough cameras on earth. Instead the show is filmed on a Monday night, and airs two days later on the Wednesday. I would guess the ABC has some editors who see very little sleep during those 48 hours.
Can I come to the wedding?
Unfortunately not. This thing is big, so big in fact there isn’t enough room in the studio for anyone else to be there. But please. Feel free to watch the show, as the ratings will help to push home the point this is something Australia wants.
Who is the celebrant?
Like most things to do with this wedding, and with the show in general, we simply have no idea. If you would like to start a tipping pool, please let me know who is the odds on favourite. The only two things we know are happening on the night is, Adam Ant is playing the music, and 41 couples from all over Australia are going to show the world how much they love each other.
Is the wedding legal?
Unfortunately it isn’t, but we will certainly be updating our Facebook profiles to say married. While it may just be a TV wedding, our commitment to each other is rock solid.
Ok, so if there is anything else you want to know, please ask. At this point though, I would like to thank everyone from the ABC, who are involved with the show, who have been absolutely amazing in how hard they have worked for all of this. I’d also like to thank all the other couples involved. We haven’t met all of you yet, but those we have are truly wonderful people. Everyone is doing this as a positive step forward, and celebrating the love they have for someone special.
Help, I need somebody.
I was born with an unfortunate birth mark. It’s really embarrassing, because it’s about two inches long, brown, and sits just above my bum. Yep, very embarrassing, but for some reason lots of people seem to think it’s on my forehead, and looks like this:
There is not a day goes by where people will walk past dozens of other people, to ask me for directions, how something works, or for the meaning of life.
Yesterday I was in a bank to change over some coinage, using a simple machine the bank has. It has two buttons A and B,and it counts coins. I was. A bit of a hurry so I just wanted to get them counted, deposit the slip and get out of there, so I could have something more for lunch than stomach pains. But no.
Some sheeple corners me, and demands I tell them all about the magical money machine. I told them they are in a bank, so ask the staff there, a very reasonable thing to do I thought. But no, this just made their wool stand on end, and they got angry. Again they demanded I tell them how it all worked. So I said to them “Look, if we were in a jungle, and your only chance of survival was for me to tell you how that machine worked, I doubt even then I would tell you. ASK THE STAFF HERE.”
I mean, I’m just trying to go about my day. I’m not out there to be rude or anything, I just want to get my business done, so I can enjoy life. I’ve made it through my years so far by observing things and working them out, and if I can’t work them out, I work out who would be the best person to ask about it, which is usually someone employed to tell you, not some stranger on the street with a birth mark that looks like poo above their arse.
Side note here, I don’t wear low cut pants so people can see the birth mark, in fact, most people don’t know it’s there…, dang, I’ve blown that now.
Anyway, I pushed past the sheeple, broke free of the bank, and headed out the doors to the wide blue yonder… “Excuse me, how does this parking meter work?”
Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!
Not At This Address
Dear WebJet,
Recently I made use of your services to book a flight, and all was good. But since then things have gone drastically down hill at a rate faster than being ejected from a cannon. It is all because of one thing.
At no point in time did I check any boxes to say “Hey WebJet, keep sending me a shitload of emails, full of your marketing crap, cause I really want to keep getting emails from you about shit I have not interest in”, or words to that affect.
In other words, stop sending me emails. No more, never again, quite simply and in no uncertain terms, I have no interest in any crap you want to sell me, or think I need because I fit some wanky profile someone with an asymmetrical hair cut dreamed up.
I already knew of your details, I used them for what I needed, end of discussion. Whoever thought I made a mistake in not wanting to deal with you again is completely wrong, regardless of if they are human or some early version of a T2000 robot, who is just waiting for the day someone by the name of Sarah Connor books a flight through you.
So to make my point clear just one more time, stop sending me emails. I don’t want to even hear from you that you’re sorry you kept sending me emails, just remove my details, and I’ll know it’s been done by the simple fact you stop sending me emails.
Kind regards,
A Green Cow.
You Giveth, You Take Awayeth.
For the last five years, there is something I’ve been hanging out to do. I’ve been patiently counting down the years, waiting to do just one thing. To do that thing, I had to make a phone call today (did I mention waiting five years for this moment), only to have my hopes and dreams shattered.
It turns out, despite all my patients, I am not allowed to donate blood.
“So what!” Many of you might be saying, who cares. But you see, since I was sixteen years of age, donating blood has been a big part of my life. All up I did 177 donations, until that day five years ago, during donation 178, when things started to go very wrong.
You see it was during this donation, they noticed a “slight error in the numbers” which turned out to be leukaemia. Yeah, just a minor issue in the figures there. While I was going through my treatment, I received a letter from the Blood Bank thanking me for all the effort I had made to donate, but at this point in time, they can’t take my blood, see you in five years for a reassessment.
Well it turns out that letter was sent out in error, as us blood cancer people are meant to get the “Errrrrr, blood germs, we call barleys” letter instead from the Blood Bank.
So I must say right now, I’m feeling a little lost. Something that was a big part of my life, is now gone forever. The joy I got from having to put up with a little bit of pain, yet knowing at the same time my one hour every two weeks (I did plasma donations) was making a difference for a lot of people. But no more.
Now if you’re one of these people who doesn’t donate because you can’t be stuffed, or you think it will hurt, or you have a fear of needles, well get over it and go donate. Seriously, I’m not going to do the soft sell here, blood is what keeps us alive. Sure I may have done 178 donations, but when I was sick, I had about 30 blood transfusions, and I was only in hospital for six months. As someone with O+ blood, I felt ashamed when I was given O- blood, because I felt that was being wasted on me, and it was too, because despite heaps of people being O+, not enough had donated.
I consider myself lucky, I only needed blood for a short space of time, and not much of it. But there are other people out there who need blood donations for their whole life. So get out there, do your bit, roll up your sleeve, and go enjoy one of the best damn milkshakes you can get for free. I started donating to get over my fear of needles, it didn’t work, but what I would give just to be able to go back to donating blood again.
Organic Eggs
Thanks to the wonders of ABC iView, I finally got to watch Woodley, the new show by Frank Woodley, formerly of Lano and Woodley.
Just in case I didn’t say it enough in the last sentence…, Woodley.
Ok, so I’ve been a fan of Frank Woodley for many year, through all the various things he does. He is a thoroughly entertaining man, who keeps you on the edge of your seat, because you know he is going to do “something”, and it’s rarely what you expect. So when I first saw on twitter his new show described as “OMGZ Woodley is like the new Mr Bean”, I will admit my alarm bells rang. Thankfully they didn’t ring for long, once I started watching it.
Yes, the show has minimal dialogue, but it’s not because there is no need for it, it’s because we simply don’t go through life talking about every single moment. We don’t need everything explained to us as a running commentary, because we can see it all happening right there in front of us. What the show does is engage the audience, so we become involved with the story, filling in the blanks as we see it, and then later we have those thoughts questioned or confirmed later in the show. Woodley is world class television. It wouldn’t matter if the show as based in Melbourne, Milan, or Manchester, the story would fit the city, and it’s people.
I laughed, I cried, I got drawn in further and further, and felt my time watching the show was well spent. I really hope people don’t look at the few bits of visual humour that happen in the show, and try to find something that correlates with Mr. Bean, then say Woodley is a copy of that. Because if you make that comparison, why not go back and look at the silent cinema era and see the correlations there? It’s visual humour people, and what Woodley is doing, is showing us the things that could happen, not in our wildest imaginations, but if those little 1% things swung the other way.
If you’re looking for entertaining television, something the whole family can watch, even brain dead teenagers who can only grunt, then this is a great show to watch. I may only be one episode in to the show, but I’m hooked, and look forward to many more episodes to come.
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